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Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


September 10th, 2007 (08:58 am)

current mood: thoughtful

We bought rings. Sometimes I have trouble believing this is real, that I could be this happy. I feel as if things have come full circle, in a way. Severus and I have got beyond our troubled past together--not put it behind us, exactly, because it's part of why we're so good together, why I have no doubt whatsoever that we do belong together. Because we have shared this history. We know things about each other that no one else could--and we can love each other because of that, and in spite of that.

I know most people don't understand. Perhaps Millicent Bulstrode is the person best equipped to understand. None of my friends even attempt to like Severus (though to be fair I know he doesn't make much attempt to befriend them). I think my parents liked him, though. Mum seemed to, anyway, and Dad...well, I suppose he'll get used to the fact that I'm more queer than not, eventually.

I still feel bad for the way things went with Dora. For so many reasons. I should have kept faith with Severus, even if we were no more than uneasy allies at the time of Dumbledore's death. I had always trusted him better than the others, and I should have known-- If I had trusted him, I would never have given in to Molly's pressure to make Tonks happy. I would have held out hope still for Severus. And then I wouldn't have hurt Dora. Or at least not as much as I did. A clean rejection would have been kinder than what I took from her for nearly two years, and then ended it.

I saw her the other day, and she suggested I really talk to Hestia about OMGWTF. She thought that if Hestia and Ryan and I work together, we can make the task force something that really works. I know Hestia has the best of intentions, but I don't have that sort of faith in the Minister--or, really, most of the Ministry. I mean, if I had issues with the way Hermione Granger, whom I know and care for and trust deeply, was running her Lycanthropy Study, how can I be asked to trust Ministry people I don't know? I could educate them about werewolves, yes--but what if educating them about werewolves is handing them the very weapon they need to bring us down? History shows too clearly what can happen. Even worse, history shows that there will always be someone willing to take advantage of their knowledge for a profit. How can I be sure one of the wolves we ran off in the wake of Greyback's fall won't go to the Ministry and sell us out, in exchange for security?

I know this pack can't shouldn't become a means of vigilante justice, Greyback aside. We need to learn to work with the Ministry or we won't survive, I know that. I can already foresee werewolf reservations, set aside, I'm sure, so we will be safe--when actually it's for their safety. But the next step would be for us to wear badges of some sort--oh, so the Aurors can identify us and protect us from wizards, I'm certain! And then they would take away our right to carry wands and practice magic, and perhaps our right to marry and have children, and eventually what would be left of us?

Merlin. I've got myself all worked up again. This is ridiculous. I'll need a cup of tea and a nice long walk before seeing Greyback this morning, or I'm likely to say something I'll regret.

But we bought rings. Severus is going to wear my ring.Collapse )

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


August 31st, 2007 (10:23 pm)

current location: Coleford, Gloucestershire, UK

Millicent and Greg had a lovely wedding. Of course the bride was beautiful, and the groom was nervous, and all was as it should be. They are obviously very in love, and I couldn't be more pleased for them. I'm so glad I've come to know them.

Of course, one wouldn't know that I was one half of a happy, loving couple, from the way Severus was glowering and sulking at the wedding. I swear, for a man who declares himself willing to be mated to me, he seemed quite unwilling to be at the wedding. And to think he's to be named the godfather of their child! If Millicent had had eyes for anyone besides her husband, she would change her mind and look for someone more mild-mannered.

Of course, when I pointed that out to him, in a light-hearted tone of voice, I was informed that werewolves who didn't hold their tongues often got them hexed out. I thought about muttering back that he would miss my tongue as much as I would, but...well, discretion is the better part of valour, as the bard had it.

Merlin, was I glad to get home. And shut myself in the toilet to get a bit of privacy for a while. It makes me wonder what he would do if I tried to convince him there is an elaborate mating ritual in front of the whole pack. Then again, he'd probably just hex me and leave.

I'm getting a bit peckish. I wonder if he would notice if I crept from the loo to the kitchen for a sandwich.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


August 24th, 2007 (09:52 pm)

current location: Coleford, Gloucestershire, UK
current mood: morose

I keep trying to take in the things Severus told me. It simply isn't possible, so I am focussing on his dependence on pain potions and Dreamless Sleep. We shall have to deal with that ahead of anything else. We're back in the Forest of Dean now. He didn't pack much, and I'm concerned that he won't be able to adjust to life here, even for the short time we'll be here, but I can't leave him alone. If I had to turn the pack over to Beckett tomorrow in order to go with Severus and help him with this, I would.

For my own peace of mind, I must write down what I can remember of what he said last night:

- addicted to pain potions
- Dreamless Sleep almost every night
- hexes Potter dolls (what the fuck, Severus)
- only owns one shirt and one pair of trousers (am going to buy him a pair of jeans and several shirts. burgundy would look good on him)
- thinks about killing people quite a lot
- misses Dumbledore quite dreadfully (no surprise, but I'm glad he admitted this to me)
- practising to gain finite control over the Sectumsempra curse, which he invented (I always said that spell had Severus written all over it)
- drinks copious amounts of hard liquor with the pain potions
- collapsed on Hermione Granger and passed out (probably should speak with Hermione about this, but think that would be underhanded of me)
- spends most evenings in seedy Knockturn pubs
- has contacts with Dark Arts black market dealers (no surprise there)
- sells illegal potions to Dark wizards (he'd already told me he was going to)
- Mother and That Richard are Dark Wizards (this was a surprise)
- his fault his mum is mad

Adding my own observations:

- suffers from Post Traumatic Disorder (but don't we all)
- will not talk about his emotions
- appalling habit of insisting he can deal with things on his own
- doesn't seem to understand I want to be useful to him
- loves me

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


August 13th, 2007 (11:53 pm)

current location: Tees Forest
current mood: furious

This is utter shite. I knew, I knew I would receive no thanks from the Ministry. I knew there would be no accolades or public acknowledgements. I even knew he would pull this sort of stunt. But it doesn't stop me being furious that he has.

Bloody Scrimgeour. I wouldn't mind if he dropped dead. I hope the next rogue ex-Death-Eater werewolf targets him. Then he can see what it feels like. No charges will be brought against the ones who have rid us of the murderer." -- I suppose that's his way of nicely letting me know I'm not going to be bloody thrown in bloody Azkaban.

broader legislation might be in the works - Oh, yes, I'm sure it is. If they try to put me on a bloody reservation the way they did with the giants and the dragons, so help me, I'll fight them until they have to kill me. I'm through with passivity.

I've had Ryan Beckett, Big T, and Eddie, waking the wolves. We're moving. Hestia knows where this camp is, and while I'm certain she would never betray us willingly or intentionally, Scrimgeour has proven himself untrustworthy too many times before.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


August 2nd, 2007 (06:53 pm)

current location: Tees Forest
current mood: enraged

Fuck. Greyback again. And this time it's Seren. God, I feel wretched. She was a lovely girl, finally starting to move forward, I thought, from Dewey's murder, and then this. Did she seek him out? Or did he choose her, knowing it would destroy her family all over again?

Bloody bastard. I will kill him, and I will do it soon.

I have been virtually innundated with owls today. First George, owling me as if he has some right to push his way into the fray, and then Arthur, who virtually ordered me to give him information and let his wizards in. Why can they not understand that this is not their concern? Yes, Greyback is killing wizards, but he's also killing wolves, and the Wizarding world doesn't give a toss about that! They wouldn't care if the lot of us turned on each other and sent ourselves into extinction.

This is not the position I wanted to be in.

I've asked Ryan to come see me tonight, along with Big T and Eddie. It's time for us to formulate a plan to hunt Fenrir down before the wizards try to step in. And they need to know about the threat from the Wizarding world, just in case Fenrir kills me. They'll have to be ready to move out from here, and they'll have to be ready to defend themselves.

Bloody fucking buggering hell.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


July 30th, 2007 (01:53 am)

current location: Tees Forest
current mood: melancholy

Bloody hell.

Greyback tried again this full. I can't say I'm surprirsed, but I am angry, because I was hoping not to lose any more lives in this fiasco. Lloyd Davies was killed last night, and two others wounded. I managed to eventually chase Fenrir off, but I was too tired to pursue. Tomorrow. I've been trying to get to sleep for the past hour, but my thoughts are in such a whirl. I got an owl from Mac about Dudley and Vincent Crabbe. I'll have to look into this more before I reply to her. Even more, she wrote that Crabbe was the man who killed Connor. He was a good man, and I always felt I'd sent him to his death without adequate preparation. In a way it

I did send a response to Parvati's owl. People persist in sending me letters on the full moon. She's lucky the little post owl didn't get eaten last night, particularly as dropped my last two days worth of Wolfsbane when Millicent's letter about Severus arrived.

And we still lost Lloyd, and I barely managed to drive off Fenrir.

I miss Severus. I have promised him I shan't get myself killed, I have promised him I will resolve this matter as quickly as possible so we can turn our full attention to building a life together. And yet I continue to fail him.

At least my visit with Arthur went well enough. From what he said, he seems to think I should see Dora in person to tell her about my relationship with Severus. I have no desire to see her. I still feel guilty about the way things ended, and I am certain she must hate me, from the way she sent me virtually no response to any of my letters. I know I have been less than diligent at contacting her, but still...I imagine she has no desire to hear from me. Telling her I am with someone else--that can only make things worse.

Harry's birthday is Tuesday. Technically tomorrow, I suppose. That also must mean Neville Longbottom's birthday was yesterday or today. I miss Frank and Alice. They were such good people. Perhaps I should send Harry's birthday present tonight. I don't know if that would make me feel any better.

I must find Fenrir tomorrow and kill him. I must bring an end to this.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


July 25th, 2007 (07:53 pm)

current mood: morose

I tucked Harry into bed tonight for the first time in eighteen years. He's in such pain for that dreadful cousin of his. My heart aches for him. There's nothing I can do to take that pain away, and I wish so much to help him.

My poor Harry. Helping him tonight, putting him to bed and pulling the covers to his chin and brushing his hair away from his eyes--it all reminded me so strongly of the times I spent with him as a baby, watching him so Lily and James were free for a while. I remember how much we all wanted for him, how Lily's face just glowed when she looked at him. It drove home to me how every parent must want desperately to protect his child and give him everything--and yet every parent is powerless to do just that. There is no protection against life.

It also made me realise again that I couldn't love Harry more if he were my own son. I've never told him that. Perhaps I should. I know it wouldn't make his current situation any better, but if things go badly and Fenrir kills me, I want Harry to know. I don't want him to ever question that he means the world to me.

I'm grateful that he accepted my relationship with Severus. Of course he did so with less grace than I could have wished, but much more than I expected. The mere fact that he was almost joking about it at the end is more than I was hoping for.

I must begin drawing on my contacts. I need to see if I can learn anything that might help Harry.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


July 14th, 2007 (12:31 am)

current location: Tees Forest
current mood: exhausted
current song: someone's guitar by the fire

Merlin, I am so tired. I never realised how much work it would be to be the Alpha of this pack. Greyback always made it look effortless. Then again, he'd been Alpha of this pack for so long they were used to how he ran things. Now that I am in charge, I think the wolves are still learning how I will do things, and they are still unsure about what will change and what will not.

All the same, I miss Dav more than ever these days. Big T and Eddie are excellent blokes, but though they are dependable, loyal, and strong, they aren't exactly deep thinkers. I like them a great deal, but I cannot count on them to take the initiative and handle any situations themselves. I need someone who can rise up inside the pack and do this--someone whom I can leave as Alpha when I go.

To that end I've started eating dinner with different groups every night, getting to know the other wolves, particularly the younger ones. I know them all to a certain extent, of course, because I was the one who ultimately recruited them to the Order's side for the final battle. But some of them followed me because their friends did, or because their parents did, or simply because they didn't like Greyback. Now I need to make certain they are all following me because I am their Alpha, and in order to do that, I need to know them, to care about them and prove that I care about them.

I find myself missing Severus so strongly. It's absurd--he doesn't know any of the wolves, doesn't know anything of pack politics, and yet I wish I could get his input on the situations. He is a brilliant strategist, and he managed to get through the war without losing his life. Not to mention the fact that he was the one most responsible for engineering the Order's victory. At least I shall see him tomorrow. Having that to look forward to has kept me going the past two days.

I need to find out where Fenrir is. He can't have gone to ground anywhere around here, or I would know. We would be able to tell he was here, either through physical signs or simply the scent of an outsider. I should speak with Helene again and see if she knows his plans or his whereabouts. I can't think of any way she could know, but I am not infallible despite trying to think of every possibility.

I'm so exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights. The flashbacks have seemed worse this week. Perhaps it is being back with the pack, or perhaps it is that I am preparing to hunt Fenrir. Whatever it is, I hope and pray I can manage a decent night's sleep tonight.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


July 10th, 2007 (09:52 pm)

current location: Tees Forest
current mood: contemplative

Things are going well here, I think. Big T and Eddie have been a great help to me in taking all the reins back in hand and pulling the pack together again. There has been some hard feelings from two of the families who lost people to Fenrir's latest attacks, but Sheila's ongoing recovery has helped in that regard, and she continues to speak in my support.

I've no idea what to do about Hel. She stays in the caravan most of the time, though I've ordered her to eat dinner with the pack each night. Fortunately we've had mostly fine weather, which has certainly made life less difficult.

I miss Severus. Perhaps after dinner we'll be able to talk for a while, if he has his mirror somewhere he can see it.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


July 2nd, 2007 (12:55 pm)

current mood: anxious

Things are not going well. I spent the entire full searching for some trace of Greyback on the Hogwarts property. He hasn't been on the property itself, thankfully; which means the wards are intact. The day after went well, thanks to Severus. But when I got back to the castle I had owls waiting for me, and in my distress over the letter from the pack, I neglected to respond to Arthur's.

Dav Stewart has been killed. Apparently Fenrir went to the pack and tried to challenge. Of course he couldn't, as I'm not there. But after the pack drove him off, he returned, post-moonrise, and slaughtered several of the wolves. He and Dav fought, and Dav was slain. I am still so bloody angry about that. Dav was a good man, a good wolf. He was set to take over leadership of the pack as soon as I finally withdrew. I felt confident he was the best man for it--someone with good ideas, a clever outlook, someone with morals. He had no desire to bring people into the pack the way Greyback did. In fact, he had ideas about the males seeking out human mates, to try to have children in the normal way, rather than boosting the pack's population through attacks.

What's more, I respected him. He had an easy-going style, and his laughter was quick. His anger was quick, too, but it was also soon gone, and I thought he was learning more about controlling his temper when necessary. (Then again, the last time I saw him, he said he was glad I'd 'finally unbuttoned a bit', I think were his words. So perhaps he was changing me, too.)

I'll have to go to the pack very soon. If Fenrir wants me, he can have me. On my terms. On my battleground. With my pack behind me.

The Ministry hasn't stopped him. They can't stop him. They would put him in a cell in Azkaban and call that justice. The only justice for Greyback is death.

I don't want to be parted from Severus. I know it's selfish of me, but I wish I didn't have this situation now because our relationship is still so new. It isn't that I feel he'd be unfaithful or forgetful, but what sort of effect will an extended absence from each other have? Then again, I was never able to forget him, not in two years of trying, so I suppose a few weeks or months will make no real difference. All the same, I hope he's willing to wait for me to come back. I know I'll be able to visit him, but he doesn't know anything about how the pack works, or that I'll have much more freedom than I ever did as the Order's spy among them.

And there is the question of the business. Bes Home Protection, apparently. I wonder if Bill was trying to tell me something when he mentioned Bes was the protector of pregnant women. He and Fleur have been married for some time now with no evidence of that Weasley virility. In any event, I shall have to hand the business completely over to him and Harry while I am gone, I suppose. I trust Harry completely, but he is young, and possibly prejudiced against certain of our customers. (Who am I kidding? He's certainly prejudiced against most of them.) At the same time, I'm not certain I trust Bill entirely, at least not to take the business in a direction I'd like to see it go. Then again, he apparently did a good job on Draco Malfoy's wards.

Note to self--check on Draco's wards personally.

Blast it. This Greyback business couldn't have happened at a worse time, but there is no one else to deal with this situation. The pack will not allow the Ministry to interfere (as well we shouldn't) and I am the only one capable of leading the pack against Greyback.

I only hope he doesn't kill me.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


June 24th, 2007 (05:58 pm)

current location: sitting by the lake at Hogwarts
current mood: confused

I just saw Seren Montgomery. She's lovely as ever, but the sadness still lingers around her. Perhaps it's just my imagination, since I know the whole story.

Sometimes I hate myself for what I am. Sometimes I hate myself for surviving.

I need to talk to Dav Stewart. I don't know that I have any right to involve the pack in this, but he needs to at least know about Greyback. The end of term is nearly here. I'll send a message up to the Tees and let him know I'm coming at the start of July.

I suppose I ought to owl Bill, as well.

Merlin, the full moon is less than a week away, and already I can feel myself beginning to respond. My thoughts are less collected, I find myself tapping my quill or my fingertips against things, earlier this morning I caught myself pacing my rooms, which is why I went out to the school gates in the first place.

I should have taken part in the werewolf study, if only to get Severus' brew. Belby may have invented the damned potion, but Severus has never stopped tweaking it, and that was even when he hated me. It's bloody annoying how much I miss the man, when I saw him only yesterday. Perhaps I'll see if he's interested in putting up with a restless werewolf as a visitor tomorrow or Tuesday.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


June 19th, 2007 (01:42 pm)

current location: Hogwarts
current mood: worried

Bloody hell. I've just read yesterday's Prophet over lunch. A brutal attack on a child here in Hogsmeade. Could it be related to the attack on Andromeda? I need to find Rupert Greensway and see if he'll talk to me about it. Severus and Hermione are both at St Mungo's. I wonder if they could find out anything about the autopsy for me. It's just too soon after the attack on Andromeda to be a coincidence.

I'm a bit surprised that Harry took Mac into his own home; I didn't realise they were that well acquainted. In all honesty I was glad to be unable to offer her a guest bed myself. She's rather likeable, but I prefer to keep her at arms' length.

Dinner with Harry tonight. Draco Malfoy says he wants to see me about something, though he didn't say what. He's agreed to let Bill handle the wards, and I've decided that's the best way to handle things for the moment. I ought to speak with Bill, but he did ask me not to contact him, so I'll let the bloody stubborn pup choose his own time on that, and I'll check his work on Malfoy's property when I can.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


June 18th, 2007 (01:09 pm)

current location: Hogwarts
current mood: contemplative

Things to do while the students are revising for their exams

Reply to Luna's owl
Owl Severus about possible leads on Andromeda's attacker
Contact Parvati re the same

Talk to Harry about housing for Mac and to reschedule our meeting

I can understand Tonks' response to my owl. I hate to think of her or her mother hurting, but I can imagine my sentiments are the last she's interested in hearing just now. All the same, I couldn't let it pass without expressing support somehow. I'm sure the Ministry is already working on finding out who's responsible for this, but I can put Order resources on it as well.

What the bloody fuck is Lucius Malfoy doing with Parkinson? Mac said Goyle was searching Knockturn for information. I can't imagine Malfoy would have her in a place so likely to be discovered.

I haven't heard back from Bill in some time. I should have thought he would be interested in questioning my judgment personally if he takes issue with my breaking things off with Tonks.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


June 11th, 2007 (11:48 pm)

current location: Hogwarts
current mood: infuriated

Bill sodding Weasley.

I get home from an absolutely marvelous evening with Severus, and find a completely mad owl from Bill about having spoken with Tonks and attempting to order me away from Draco Malfoy. Insolent pup. This is the thanks I get for attempting to help him and answer any questions he had after Greyback's attack.

I spoke with Malfoy on behalf of the Order. I can't go to Malfoy and politely request that he tell Bill to piss off, not without letting him know there is division within the Order. And how the bloody hell did there come to be division within the Order? What is Tonks telling people? Our private affairs are no one else's business! They certainly shouldn't interfere with the running of the Order.

The nerve of the boy, to tell me to think about how I'm going to convince him he can trust my judgment. DIDN'T I BRING YOU THROUGH THIS WRETCHED WAR, YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT?

Dear God. Living with the wolves There are times I almost forget...

I spent two years being too free with my temper, while I was with my pack. And I forget Bill is not a werewolf, does not answer to me as his Alpha. I spent two years learning to lash out physically.

Which would explain why I know have a gash across my left palm. I shall never live down the withering look Poppy gave me when I asked her to heal it--after I Reparoed the window, of course.

Bloody hell. I still have this insane urge to grab Bill Weasley by the scruff of his neck and shake him til he submits.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


June 7th, 2007 (12:08 pm)
Tags: ,

current mood: confused

Severus is so

Last night

I hate myself sometimes

Oh bollocks. I can't think of anything to say about last night and yesterday and the way I feel about things. I used to turn to this journal for comfort, as well as for insight about how I've changed over the years. As it turns out, I'm not certain I've changed much at all from the idiot I was in school. I still seem to do everything wrong and muck up relationships, despite having the best of intentions. I don't even know if I'm talking about Severus or Tonks now.

She sent me a carton of things I'd left at her flat. Mostly things I wouldn't have missed, honestly, if she'd decided to keep them, but I can't imagine she wants anything to remember me by. I haven't yet figured out how to reply to her owl. It was perfectly courteous, and I know it would be equally courteous of me to acknowledge that I received it. But what do I say? "Dear Tonks, Thank you, all arrived intact, sorry I broke your heart?"

I hate myself sometimes.

And yet, just when I get into a real funk of self-loathing over the way I mucked things up with Tonks, I remember the way Severus watches me, and I get that ridiculous thrill all down my spine again. We spent years dancing around each other, hurting each other, and we simply can't get away from each other. And I have no desire to get away from him. I feel as though our fates have always been entwined, and as if this is simply something I am coming home to, in a way.

I always wondered if I were trying to use Nymphadora as a replacement for Sirius. Is what I feel about Severus what I was always trying to create with Tonks?

I'm so bloody confused.

I fear I hurt him last night when I stopped him. He actually told me to go, but something prompted me to stay, at least a bit longer. I didn't want our first "date", if you will, to end on such a note. All the same I think we were both a bit disappointed at the way it ended.

I worry for him. He'll be seeing Lucius Malfoy soon, to deliver the Polyjuice Potion. I know Severus is an accomplished spy, and that Malfoy has no reason to distrust him. But I fear for him anyway. I suppose this is why he didn't want to begin spying again. But if the alternative was to throw his lot in entirely with Malfoy and Lestrange...no. We will bring them down, and then he will be safe, both from rogue Death Eaters and from Azkaban.

I must remember to ask him again about Pansy Parkinson. I did tell Draco I would look into it. I should also look up Dung Fletcher and see if he's heard any word about the girl. It's possible she simply fell victim to some criminal element, though it seems unlikely; there are too many people who are angry about the Death Eaters being paroled, and there's always the chance it was Malfoy or Lestrange. I'm disappointed that Bill was unwilling to give Draco Malfoy a second chance. I've spoken with the boy, and I have Severus' opinion of him to consider, and I think there's a fair chance that his rebellion against his father and his father's ideals is genuine. Then again, Bill hasn't been exposed to the stigma of lycanthropy, as far as I know. His lover stayed with him, he kept his job because he doesn't transform... Perhaps he simply doesn't understand.

Ah, lunch is nearly over, and I feel no more settled in my mind than when I began. Soon my sixth years will come in wanting to turn in their essays about the Unforgivables.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]

More unsent letters

May 31st, 2007 (06:00 pm)

current mood: indescribable

Dear Andromeda,

I'm certain Nymphadora has already told you that she and I are no longer together. I have apologised to her already for the pain I've caused her, and I though I know that doesn't do any good. I felt I should also apologise to you. I have nothing but respect and love for your daughter, but I and I hope you will believe that, though I realise I've given you no reason to do so.

I hope you will have the decency to keep this letter between us. I know I communicated things very badly indeed to Nymphadora, though I and for that I am truly sorry. With you, I will be blunt, because I don't imagine I can possibly make you any angrier at me than you already are.

I'm certain that you, like so many of us, have been taking stock of your life after the war. I have certainly been doing so. And until recently I thought things would get better, that I would be happier, more able to settle down. I thought I could make her happy. God knows I meant to. But certain circumstances of late have left me convinced that, although I love your daughter, I am not capable of making her happy as she deserves.

I know this probably makes me a fool. Perhaps you       

Dear Harry,

I thought I should tell you that Tonks and I are no longer

I hope you are well. I felt you should

This is just

Dear Severus,

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


May 30th, 2007 (10:55 pm)

Pillock. Wanker. Berk. Idiot.

Sodding bastard.

Life has really gone downhill when you're calling yourself names in your journal.

I can't go back out into the front room because her necklace is there. Isn't that the stupidest thing? I break her heart and ruin everything we built together, and I'm too much a coward to face the fact that I'll have to decide what to do with that sodding necklace.

I almost couldn't bring myself to take the potion Severus sent, but he went to a lot of trouble for me, and I'm grateful, despite the row that potion started. Though of course that wasn't his fault. It was entirely my fault, though she was quick to jump to conclusions. Even if they were the right conclusions. Merlin.

I don't think I can face him. I know I did the right thing, ending my relationship with her was what I had to do. But going and telling him, or even writing to him, would be so much more of a betrayal. I know it's stupid; I've already betrayed her as much as I possibly can. But that's still how it feels. I did break up with her because I want to be with him. But somehow admitting that would make me guiltier?

I'm such a pillock.

Merlin, how am I going to tell our friends? They've always been so supportive. And her mother--God. And I can't even mention Severus to anyone, because Malfoy and Lestrange can't find out he's on our side. Not that it would make me popular to tell people I broke up with her because I had feelings for him, but still. He doesn't deserve to be punished for my mistakes.

God, what a stupid mess I've made.

And yet despite how horrid I feel, my heart is lighter. Doesn't that count for anything? I know I've done the right thing. It wasn't easy, and it didn't make me any friends, but I know it was right.

I suppose I understand now why I spent all those years not doing the right thing when we were in school. It's bloody hard.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]

Drunken owls that, fortunately for Remus, didn't get sent

May 30th, 2007 (12:35 am)


Never told you I fancied you madly, that year I taught here before. Always looking for excuses to talk to you. Even asked Dumbledore if I should learn Occlumency from you before I became a spy. Bastard said no. Wanted


What if the person you're with isn't that person who makes things better? What if you don't know who that person is? What if yr entire world is falling to bits around yr ears and you don't know how to save it? I'm a real bastard. She deserves better

Dora, Dearest, Beatufil Dora,

Never deserved you. Shdn't have You remind me of yr cousin, you know? Impetuous and brave and clever like Srs was. But shdn't have let that

ve always doubted mself with you. was right to


Shd have told you fancy you back

fucking drunk

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


May 29th, 2007 (02:29 am)

current location: hogwarts
current mood: confused

I can't sleep. Might as well get something done. I've been meaning to owl Bill since I spoke with Harry.

Werewolf! Order Head! Heartbreaker! [userpic]


May 28th, 2007 (06:38 pm)

current mood: despairing


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